A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes


Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?


A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.


Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?


A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.


Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?


A: To practice.


Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?


A: Your Honor.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?


A: The lawyer charges more.


Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?


A: The caterer.


Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?


A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.


Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?


A: An offer you can't understand.


Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?


A: Senator


Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?


A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.


Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?


A: Jewelry.


Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?


A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.


Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?


A: At least accountants know they're boring.


Stories:


1.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."


3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"


4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."


And finally:


You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.


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Cannabis Lawyers

Possession of cannabis may be a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the amount of cannabis. The manufacture, delivery, sale, or possession with the intent to deliver cannabis may be a felony depending on the amount of cannabis and the location where a person delivers the cannabis. For instance, different enhanced criminal penalties regarding cannabis will apply when cannabis is delivered or sold on or near school grounds or to children under a certain age. Violation of the Cannabis Control Act may trigger mandatory minimum sentencing provisions as well.

Although Illinois laws are amended periodically, presently the following statutes address cannabis as follows. Section 720 ILCS 550/3 defines cannabis as including:

(a). . . marihuana, hashish and other substances which are identified as including any parts of the plant Cannabis Sativa, whether growing or not; the seeds thereof, the resin extracted from any part of such plant; and any compound, manufacture, salt, derivative, mixture, or preparation of such plant, its seeds, or resin, including tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and all other cannabinol derivatives, including its naturally occurring or synthetically produced ingredients, whether produced directly or indirectly by extraction, or independently by means of chemical synthesis or by a combination of extraction and chemical synthesis; but shall not include the mature stalks of such plant, fiber produced from such stalks, oil or cake made from the seeds of such plant, any other compound, manufacture, salt, derivative, mixture, or preparation of such mature stalks (except the resin extracted therefrom), fiber, oil or cake, or the sterilized seed of such plant which is incapable of germination.

Possession of Cannabis is explained in Section 720 ILCS 550/4 as follows:


It is unlawful for any person knowingly to possess cannabis. Any person who violates this section with respect to:

(a) not more than 2.5 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class C misdemeanor;

(b) more than 2.5 grams but not more than 10 grams of

any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class B misdemeanor;

(c) more than 10 grams but not more than 30 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class A misdemeanor; provided, that if any offense under this subsection (c) is a subsequent offense, the offender shall be guilty of a Class 4 felony;

(d) more than 30 grams but not more than 500 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 4 felony; provided that if any offense under this subsection (d) is a subsequent offense, the offender shall be guilty of a Class 3 felony;

(e) more than 500 grams but not more than 2,000 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 3 felony;

(f) more than 2,000 grams but not more than 5,000 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 2 felony;

(g) more than 5,000 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 1 felony.

The manufacture and/or delivery of Cannabis is explained in Section 720 ILCS 550/5) as follows:

It is unlawful for any person knowingly to manufacture, deliver, or possess with intent to deliver, or manufacture, cannabis. Any person who violates this section with respect to:

(a) not more than 2.5 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class B misdemeanor;

(b) more than 2.5 grams but not more than 10 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class A misdemeanor;

(c) more than 10 grams but not more than 30 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 4 felony;

(d) more than 30 grams but not more than 500 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 3 felony for which a fine not to exceed ,000 may be imposed;

(e) more than 500 grams but not more than 2,000 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 2 felony for which a fine not to exceed 0,000 may be imposed;

(f) more than 2,000 grams but not more than 5,000 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class 1 felony for which a fine not to exceed 0,000 may be imposed;

(g) more than 5,000 grams of any substance containing cannabis is guilty of a Class X felony for which a fine not to exceed 0,000 may be imposed.


Cannabis (also known as weed or pot) charges routinely involve police initiated searches or seizures. Experienced Chicago criminal lawyers can evaluate the facts in a particular case to determine whether the police acted appropriately. If a court determines that the police illegally obtained evidence, the court may prohibit the prosecutor from using the evidence. Therefore it is important to have an experienced Chicago criminal lawyer look closely at your particular case.

Accident Lawyer

An accident is a specific, unexpected, unusual and unintended external action which occurs in a particular time and place, with no apparent and deliberate cause but with marked effects. It implies a generally negative outcome which may have been avoided or prevented had circumstances leading up to the accident been recognized, and acted upon, prior to its occurrence.


 


Experts in the field of injury prevention avoid use of the term 'accident' to describe events that cause injury in an attempt to highlight the predictable and preventable nature of most injuries. Such incidents are viewed from the perspective of epidemiology - predictable and preventable. Preferred words are more descriptive of the event itself, rather than of its unintended nature (e.g., collision, drowning, fall, etc.)


 


Accidents of particularly common types (auto, fire, etc.) are investigated to identify how to avoid them in the future.

This is sometimes called root cause analysis, but does not generally apply to accidents that cannot be deterministically predicted. A root cause of an uncommon and purely random accident may never be identified, and thus future similar accidents remain "accidental."

 


Different types of accident:


 


Physical and non-physical


 


Physical examples include, e.g., unintended collisions or falls, being injured by touching something sharp, hot, or electrical, or ingesting poison. Non-physical examples are, e.g., unintentionally revealing a secret or otherwise saying something incorrectly, forgetting an appointment, etc.


 


By activity


 


* Accidents during the execution of work or arising out of it are called work accidents.


* In contrast, leisure-related accidents are mainly sports injuries.


 


By vehicle


 


* Bike accident


* Tram accident


* Traffic collision


* Sailing ship accidents


 


That's why the reason why your choice of attorney is important is because choosing the wrong one can result in not getting any form of compensation.

Accident cases can be quite tricky especially during litigation. Remember that before a case gets to court, several weeks would have elapsed after the accident and a lot of things can go wrong. Accident lawyers must be able to convince a jury that the events that led to an accident that occurred several weeks back were due to the fault of the defendant. The defendant's attorneys will also be making efforts to extricate their client from any liability. This is where accident lawyers prove their worth.

Accident lawyers differ in terms of experience, skill and results and all these play important roles in determining whether a victim would be sufficiently compensated, minimally compensated or even get any compensation at all. An accident lawyer often has to reconstruct the scene of an accident in addition to securing experts to testify in the case. Other intricacies are also involved in accident cases and an experienced and skillful attorney knows how to rightly deploy different tools in getting you a favorable verdict in court.


For more information on Accident Lawyer you can visit http://www.kevinlucey.com/